The Humming in my Head..

I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel right now. I don’t know who I’m supposed to go to right now.. everyone else is so happy in their own worlds that I feel like they almost forget what it feels like to be nothing but depressed and sick all of the time. My two best friends are both in super happy relationships and I’m happy for them and everything but I can’t stomach trying to tell them how horrendous and alone I feel because I don’t want pity. I just want honest help. I need someone to turn to to get through all of this. It seems like its coming in one of the unlikeliest of places. This girl I was casual acquaintances with, is now dating a former fling of mine and we’ve hung out a lot lately. We’ve been through a lot of the same shit, so much that before we had even talked about any of this, we had both gone for psychological evaluations and got referred to the same psychologist who specializes in the shit we are going through. Its crazy. She’s one of those girls that I would probably secretly dislike on principle in a, “you got what I wanted so badly for so long but couldn’t have” sort of deal. But I can’t do it, she has been so good to me and genuinely likes me and looks up to me so I feel guilty for sort of having that feeling and am trying to get past it because its detrimental to everything, and because once I got to know her I realized that she really is the sweetest thing ever and I want to be friends with her.

I keep trying to tell my new boy that I want to be more serious but its just not in the cards or something, he still keeps bailing because he’s so bad with time.. He’s just as much of a mess as I am right now but for totally different reasons. He’s just graduated and having trouble getting a job lined up and taking shit from his parents about it, and it just keeps spiralling, we’re both fucked in the head and neither of us know how to help the other because this relationship, if thats what it is, is so new and fragile that there shouldn’t be this much pain so early on. The only saving grace is that we aren’t causing one another pain, it’s caused by outside sources. I mean, sure I get upset that he bails on me. But I try really hard to understand that he’s not doing it on purpose, that his parents have a big influence on when he can come to visit me. I’m just trying to make sure that I really am okay on my own before I give in to a new relationship with him. Because most of the time I feel like I am, but some days I just don’t feel so wonderful. Like today. 

I don’t even know how to feel right now. I was just starting to feel as is something could be real with the new boy, and he moved home. I know home is only a few cities away, a half an hour drive or so. Its not that bad in the grand scheme of things but its really testing my patience. If he has one flaw it’s that he is so incredibly bad with time. Its been two times now that he’s totally fucked up and left me alone when we were supposed to have plans. The first time was my last event of the year that I was in charge of planning and running and he just slept in, like it was nothing at all.. It was supposed to start at 9 and he texted me right when it was supposed to start, just like, yeah sorry, overslept during my nap, can’t make it to the city tonight.. He said he was sorry and that he would make it up to me but I never heard another word about it. It happened again this past Sunday. We had plans to hang out Sunday afternoon, maybe help our friend move, and then grab a beer or something. Once again, overslept, didn’t have time to come into the city, and this time he even sounded like he was getting pissed at me for being upset at getting ditched, and getting stuck with my father. It can’t become a pattern. I have way too hard of a time with the long distance thing as it is. The funny thing is that I was planning on talking with him on Sunday, the Sunday that he bailed on. I was planning on telling him that I think I’m starting to have serious feelings for him and that I think I’m ready to take this to the next step. Maybe not to be officially dating, but maybe to try being exclusively seeing each other for a while and see how that goes. The thought of another relationship terrifies me so the fact that I’m pretty sure I’m willing to take a next step in that direction says a lot. I don’t give in to these things easily, it gets harder and harder for me every time. So it should say volumes as to how well I think we would work together. If he would ever get his act together and learn to keep dates. Well, we have plans to see each other tomorrow so let’s see if that goes through or not. If it doesn’t, maybe our little chat is going to have to be more along the lines of, get your act together before we take it to the next step. I really hope he hasn’t given up on me, and that he’s just as willing to try this out as I am. Sometimes when I think about this, I am astonished that this is a leap that I am willing to take, considering I’m not totally sure if my feelings are 100% gone for my old boy. 

Nothing can ever just go smoothly. It seems that I’m stuck in another downward spiral. He took it better than I thought he would. He was kind of upset with me that I brought it up without warning. I said that I didn’t want any conversations, that I just needed an answer. What did he want? It was as simple as that. And his answer was simple as well. He cares about me, but he doesn’t want to date, not right now. So I put my foot down. Or I tried. I told him that I would spend the night with him and as soon as I left his house the next morning, it was just friends, no matter what, until, if and when he ever changed his mind. And we had a beautiful night together and I just can’t get it out of my head how even after a revelation like that, he still slept like a baby in my arms and didn’t let me go all night long. And after I left, we still chatted a bunch and nothing was bad, and I thought maybe we could be friends. Then he came over to sell weed to one of my housemates’ boyfriends. And he stuck around to hang for a while, and it was just playful banter, and I still thought that maybe everything was okay. And then playful banter heated up so fast and the next thing I know he is pretty much begging me to give him the go ahead to have sex with him and for some reason I gave in and I hated myself the entire fucking time and I hated myself after while he while snoring peacefully wrapped around my body, still naked and I hate myself now just thinking about it. I just wish so badly that things could be different, but they’re not, and I need to just move on from this and move on to bigger and better things but i just don’t have the willpower to walk away from someone I love so much, even though its so detrimental and makes me feel so awful. I can’t keep loving someone who refuses to love me back, even though I feel like he’s throwing away something that could have been exactly what we both needed. 

All of that besides, I think I need a new name for Motown boy.. his new name is new boy because thats pretty much what he is. I’m so scared of him. He wants me so badly and I’m just so scared of him on so many different levels. I’m scared of someone actually wanting me for me. Someone who will embrace all of the things that my old boy would make fun of me for. The way I act, dress, talk. I’m just a stupid hipster in his eyes and he never hesitated to make that as clear as fucking day, but new boy tells me every day that I’m beautiful and wonderful and that I brighten his day. Its so scary to think that maybe all of this could change and that I could have a real reciprocal relationship where someone is as good to me as I am to them. I’m scared that he’s gonna realize I have a lot of stupid problems and not be able to handle it and walk away. I’m scared that I’m gonna take too long to get my shit together in my own head and he’s going to give up and move on. I don’t want to date him before I’m ready but I don’t want him to give up. I’m scared that I’m really falling for him but that he’s just gonna turn out like everyone else. The people I invest the most love in, end up destroying me in the worst ways. I’m so scared of all of these things and just of him in general and I want so badly to open up to him and he tells me all the time that theres no rush but what does such a kindhearted person want with someone like me who is so emotionally volatile and fragile and broken. I think we both need the same things but asking for them is the most terrifying thing of all. 

“I am incredibly awkward and negative. I get attached easily, and I hold on for too long. I don’t like opening up to people. Most 5 year old children can express their feelings better than me. I hide behind my fake smiles. I’m terrified of being hurt. I tend to act older than I am. I’m probably one of the most difficult people you will ever meet. But I can be sweet. I’m a great listener. I’ll guard your secrets with my life. I will never judge you based on your mistakes, and I’ll love you as much as I can. I can be, if you let me, one of the best things in your life.”

So my life is slowly working itself out. I haven’t decided if its for the best yet, but I’m starting to think yes. Things are slipping out of my control with my boy. I don’t think he’s even really mine anymore. After what happened on St. Paddy’s, we had a really good week, with his birthday and stuff, and I thought maybe things were finally turning around. But then after his birthday, we hardly talked and I’ve only seen him once or twice since then, and only slept with him once, and its been almost a month. I still care about him, I still love him, but it feels like we’re just slowly slipping apart. Maybe its for the better. Who knows. I still want to be friends with him, and I know that we can, because we’ve been together for a year and a half now and we’ve been through so much, but there was no huge problem that caused us to break up, so why can’t we stay friends? In a way, its harder though, because there was no huge fight that caused the breakup, so I still care about him more than I can say and the thought of him with someone else makes me absolutely nauseous. But I guess that will go away with time. I’m supposed to see him tonight and I feel like I need to find the words to tell him all of this, but I don’t know how. How are you supposed to say, I love you, and I want you to stop throwing everything we have out the window, but if you can’t do that, I need to move on? There is no easy way. 

I’m digging myself a hole and I don’t know how to get out of it, I’m just way too confused. I finally told my boy that we needed to end things officially and just be friends until he decided what he wanted. I told Motown boy about this and I could just feel his hopes fly through the ceiling as I told him, and it scares me. He scares me. I haven’t had someone have such unwavering interest in me in a long time. He wants me so badly and I don’t know if I can handle it. I’ve been nothing but honest with him about everything, all of the things between me and my boy and how much trouble I’ve been having emotionally trying to get through all of this unscathed. He said he wants me to be all his and that he’ll wait as long as it takes. But I can’t help but feel like on some level I’m leading him on. I’m happy when I’m with him, but I just don’t know if thats enough. I can’t help but feel that I’m not done fighting for my boy yet. We got in a huge fight on St. Paddy’s day, and he said a lot of horrible things that I can’t shake. But then he called me and asked me if he could come over so we could hang out and he had something to tell me. It turns out that he is really sick. Its kind of humorous in retrospect, but in a way its really not. I’ve never seen him so devastated as he was during that apology, he was so distraught at how awfully he treated me, saying that he could never take those things back but that he didn’t mean them, and that he understands that I have every right to be mad at him, but that he is so very sorry and he hopes that I’ll forgive him. Apparently the results he got back from the doctor really shook him, and since they indirectly affect me, he was scared I would be mad at him for it, scared for his health, scared he ruined his chances with me, and all of these combined with him being really drunk, caused him to snap on me which he knows he shouldn’t have done, but its in the past and theres nothing to do about it now, other than move on. I asked him if this meant that he wanted to get back on track and keep trying to figure things out, and he said yes he did if I wanted to. And this week he’s been really good to me so far. So it seems like I’m back to square one and I don’t know what to do, which direction to head in. Everyone told me that I made the right decision by breaking it off and that I should give Motown a shot. Part of me really wants to stand by that decision and give him a chance, but the majority of my heart just keeps screaming that I’m not ready. Even if my boy and I were done for good, its just way too fast. 

I’m having such a crisis of conscience. That boy from my last post, lets call him Motown boy, simply because that is how all of this started. But I need to start from the beginning, somehow. I’ve been slowly deciding that I need to let go of my boy, because waiting for him to decide he wants me is way too hard to deal with. My plan was to tell him that I will always love him, and no matter what he decides, I will always be his friend, but that I need him to either commit to me or let me go, and its his decision. If he wants me, actually wants me, I’m his forever, but if he still can’t make the jump, I have to walk away from our relationship. But then the other night we got into a huge fight and it cracked my plan down the centre and now I don’t know if I can follow through. It started with a girl we know inviting a bunch of people over to his house without asking him, and he snapped and kicked them out and started screaming at me, and it blew up because I told him that it wasn’t my fault in the slightest and he couldn’t yell at me for it. He tried to kick my out of his house (at 1am) and I told him if he kicked me out I would go and never come back. So somehow this turned into a crazy talk about how he was so confused but how he’s never let anyone in as far as he’s let me and its crazy but he cares so much about me and we’ve been through so much in the last 14 months. He then told me that if I wanted to be just friends he would gladly just hang out with me without being couple-y or having sex, so that was my out and I couldn’t take it. Its not my decision to make. He’s the one who said he wants to fix this, so he’s the one who needs to make this decision. Then he told me he wasn’t gonna make this about him so if I wanted to stay, I could, but not to expect him to be all love-y dove-y since we just got into a fight. So I said fine and just went to bed and didn’t say anything, but then he grabbed my hand and pulled it over so we were half cuddling, half not, and we just slept like that, and I woke up to him in the morning wrapped around me as if nothing was any different. And then he took me to breakfast in the morning and everything felt so normal. I want this so badly to go one way or another but he makes it so hard to walk away because when we are together just the two of us, everything is perfect and even though he treats me like shit sometimes he also protects me, and to feel protected and taken care of, to know that someone is fighting the same demons as you, that person is the one that loves you on such a deep level, and its hard to stop fighting for him. 

As if there wasn’t enough to rock the boat, during all of this, Motown boy decides to come at me full swing. Two weeks ago he kissed me at Motown and then my boy showed up and was being a shithead. He didn’t see Motown boy kiss me or it would have been worse than it is, but even so, I was mad. And it just goes to show where my priorities are, because I ended up driving to his house to be with him that night, and him and I and one of our friends got super laced and just stayed awake all night. But Motown boy didn’t care that I left his party to see my boy. He said he really likes me, and he wants to see me more, but that he doesn’t want to pressure me into a decision I’m not ready to make. He tells me all the time that I’m so awesome and cool and beautiful and funny and all of these wonderful things that make me so happy, and he’s so shy about it, like a high school crush kind of. Its really nice to have someone genuinely show interest in me, rather than being united by a painful history, but I just can’t decide if it feels superficial or not. Do I really think that I could have what my boy and I have with Motown boy? Could I ever feel as strongly for him as I feel for my boy? Could he take care of me, fight for me, have such a strong passion for me? I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m ready to find out. 

Have you ever had one of those moments where you have such a perfect night with someone that totally came out of nowhere, the kind of night where you accidentally fall a tiny bit in love with them for a split second before you realize what happened, because you’re having such a good time just being in their presence? That happened to me the other night. I’m trying to get the thought out of my head because I know that love is more than that little feeling. But its kinda hard. I’ve known him for a long time now, almost three years. We were pretty close in first year, drifted apart for a while, and have started hanging out again randomly. Him and I and a group of his guy friends went out to Motown night, and it was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. It was such careless fun, like he didn’t know any of my problems and it was okay because for that night, they didn’t matter. And maybe if we hung out more, they would start to go away for good. But just maybe. We just danced the night away to old music and had a fucking grand ole time, fit too many people in a car ride home, laughed the whole way as I got squished from laying across 6 people. Tumbled out of the car and just laid on the frozen grass smoking a cigarette laughing and looking at the stars. It didn’t matter that we froze our asses off or that it was three in the morning or that I don’t usually like to smoke or that he’s been one of my most platonic guy friends in university.. Everything just went out the window in that moment and I feel like it redefined our friendship and opened it up to so many possibilities. For some reason it was exactly what I needed but now I’m scared. I can pretend that it never happened, or else what? Thats the only option really. I’m not ready to just leap headfirst into liking someone new. I tried that already with that boy from the gym, the one that I’ve known forever from the gym. That whole time I just thought of my boy. Clearly I’m not ready so I guess I just need to put this on a back shelf of my subconscious for now. 

By reading my own blog I realized that this entire thing is just a ‘rant-about-my-boy’ fest.. but at least this way I can get it out and people don’t have to read it if they don’t want to.. I just dropped the hedgehog at his house and he was being all dumb and macho in front of his friends again so I called him out on it. I just don’t get it. I don’t get why he says he wants to try and he says he wants to fix things and when we’re alone everything is so lovely but as soon as the boys are in the picture he’s a totally different person. Yeah I get its a Friday and you don’t want to talk about it now. But the problem is you don’t want to talk about it ever. You have no idea how badly I just want to fix everything with you, I just don’t know what you want from me anymore. You say one thing and act like another and then all of a sudden when I get upset act all sweet again. It can’t be so back and forth it hurts too much. I just want you, and I want you to be mine like you used to be. If you tell me you want to fix things I want you to mean it. I’m sick of feeling nauseous over you and I’m sick of trying so hard for you and sacrificing so much for you and you just act like I’m nothing to you sometimes. Yesterday while I spent all day in bed sick watching Gossip Girl there was a good quote. I don’t remember the entire thing but it was along the lines of ‘do you love him? really love him? is there even one thing that you’re sacrificing? because remember, you’ll have to sacrifice that every day for the rest of your life. can you do that?’ It took me a long time to think about what he makes me sacrifice. Mostly because I avoided the question for a long time. But I finally figured out what it is, and it sounds really sappy and stupid to say on paper: romance. I love him, I’m pretty sure he loves me. We are physically and emotionally attracted to each other. He treats me well, for the most part. When we’re actually together. But there’s no tradition. We’re dating in secret. I know it sounds silly but sometimes I wish he would let me take stupid webcam pictures with him. Or a kiss-y picture (just one, and not to broadcast, just to have). Or do something romantic for valentines day. Or have him tell me to my face that he loves me, just because. We’ve never had that head-over-heels love story romance and I love him to death but it makes me sad. Do I want to go my whole life being a couple in the house and being friends in public? Well we’re talking on Sunday, we’ll see how fate works out. 

So he came home from China this week. He was very iffy towards me, which, once I calmed down, I chalked off to him being tired and jet-lagged. He was very uncertain about when I was going to see him, which I didn’t appreciate do to the fact that he just got home from being very far away and I wanted to see him, whether or not we did something big. I would have been content with just going over to his place and watching a movie and sleeping. So when he continued being a dick on Tuesday, I got so angry that I drove over to his house in a fit of rage, determined I was going to end things for good. I just thought that I couldn’t deal with any of this anymore. Why should I want to be with someone who acts like I am disposable? So I was convinced it was time. But as soon as I got to his house, and he finally woke up for long enough to open his bedroom door and let me in, my walls just all crashed down. You know that quote I always post everywhere? That Brian Andreas one? Well the last line is posted on the post right before this one: ‘I wish i knew a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep, and there are no words for that’. And that is truly the way I feel about him. Even though he was half asleep he was smiling and dumbly flirting with me and just having a friendly conversation about I don’t even remember what. So I gave in and decided to stay. I laid down beside him on the couch and just feeling his arms around me made me the happiest I’d been since before he’d left. Just like I knew it would. Even in his sleep, he would pull me closer and cuddle up to me as if he never wanted to let go. Eventually he woke up and we had really good sex and I ended up sleeping over. Same deal. I hardly slept because I was just so happy laying there in his arms, feeling him restless, tossing and turning but always pulling me closer. And when I’d pull away for whatever reason he’d get upset and pull me back. I just remember specifically this one time when he rolled over to face away from me, which he usually does when he’s hot and needs to cool down away from me, but even then he grabbed my hand and pulled it over him and held it to his chest. I was just floating in the clouds the entire time. Sometimes I wish he was as good about showing his feelings for me when he was awake as he is subconsciously while he’s sleeping. Also, since he was jet-lagged and could hardly sleep through the night, he woke up a bunch of times throughout the night and woke me up as well, and just talked to me while I was half-asleep and just kept saying the silliest things to make me laugh, and one time even woke me up to have sex. It all just added to this retarded fucked up but oddly perfect night of sleep that reinforced everything I felt before he went away, that maybe he actually is trying and maybe everything will be okay. Then last night during night class I went on Facebook and noticed that he’d changed his relationship status to single. Big deal, theoretically since I guess if you really want to argue about it we aren’t officially dating. But thats not the point. I was just terrified that him doing that was his way of admitting to the world that he wants to get over me. So I kinda freaked and asked him where we were, if we were still in the same place as before. He asked me what he meant so I said how last time we talked about it, we had agreed that we were going to work on fixing things, not be totally back together but not write it completely off, and that we weren’t going to be sleeping around on each other. And he didn’t answer right away so sarcastically I was like ‘or is this how I find out that you’re gonna start sleeping around?’ And he was like, no, its not like that, obviously we’re still broken up but things are the same, we’re still gonna work on this. So I guess thats something, but how long are we working on this before we make a decision one way or the other? I mean, really when it comes down to it, I’m happy with working on this with him because I really do care about him, and unless things drastically change and he magically turns into a big dickhead, or cheats on me or something, I’m not just gonna break it off. But how long do I have to sit and wait for him to decide what he wants? I just want to know that I can relax, that I don’t have to spend every day hoping that he’s not going to wake up one morning and decide that he has changed his mind.